I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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