Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I didn't notice because vodka
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
