I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
