So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize