used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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