just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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