I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
