Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
