This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
