I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
