brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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