Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
