the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Randomize
