This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Welp...herpes.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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