hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
