Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize