Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
