Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
