just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
