got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
