There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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