So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
