Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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