i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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