"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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