She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
