i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
We're using joints as your birthday candles
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I love you.
Bad choice
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize