I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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