it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
