I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
