The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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