I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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