i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
