Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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