i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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