At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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