I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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