My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
