I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
