I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
