there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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