Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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