How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
