M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Randomize
