i permit you to call me
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
