I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
