you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
