Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
