it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
