Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
