Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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