I wanna passion pit in your ass
You can't special order awesome
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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