my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
