just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
