Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Randomize
