I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't deserve a penis
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
