just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize