I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
