And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize