I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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