I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize