there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
