I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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