I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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