My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
