I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize