My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
