I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
