That's intense
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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